The Fault Lines of [my] Soul.

The problem with school
Is that extroverts aren't allowed to chat
And introverts aren't allowed to daydream

"Sit down
Stay still
Be quiet
Do as you're told
Don't ask questions
Unless they are the right questions"

And
All this really does
Is reward people
For being obedient
Like
Some kind of preparation
For the country's robot Population

Most of the great innovators of the world
The inventors
The musicians
The poets
The artists
The writers
The explorers
The great philosophers
But also
The really funny comedians
The sick weirdoes
And
Borderline mentally ill
Who really make me laugh

So hard I almost wet pants
Or shoot snot across the room
Do you think they got where they did
By:

Sitting quietly at desks
And mindlessly copying from boards
And following
Everything that the teacher says
And not:

Daydreaming
Thinking
Feeling
Being different
Laughing
Questioning the "facts" we're given
Like
For example:

I remember
Being about 8-years-old
And being forced to sing hymns
That I knew were made up
Just like Father Christmas was
And
What I don't get is
Kids somehow reach a certain age
Where they realise
Father Christmas doesn't actually exist
And never has done
But the thing is
He's just like a more basic version of God
Invented solely for kids
Where if you misbehave
You don't get your reward
And yet
A significant number of these people
Even though they abandon that fantasy at some point
Seem to just
Go off
Out into the world of adulthood
Not questioning any of the rest of it

Would you let someone
Who still believed in Father Christmas
Run your country?

One nation
Under Father Christmas
?

And yet
When I was a kid
I used to make things up
Like:
"I've got an invisible bat
That lives in my head
And comes out at night
To fly round my bedroom light"

They thought I was mental

But
What I'm saying is:
Is it really any worse
To invent your own nonsense
Than to believe someone else's?

An Inundation

The weather outside is not frightful, as of today. I think Georgia annually forgets to fill her normality prescription when it comes to the weather, among other things. We also have people who hang rebel flags from their truck beds and say things like, “The South will rise again.” In response, one has to wonder, if the South rises, will it not then be technically the North?

These are the things that the residents of our grand state have obviously not considered.

Also, I have a confession to make.

Sometimes, at public establishments with single-unit restrooms, when the women’s is occupied, I am terribly tempted to use the men’s instead. I mean, honestly. How picky can a person be about gender-assigned locations when it comes to these kinds of things? If I am on the brink of a mid-restaurant pants-wetting, exactly how concerned do you think I am with that little man-shaped stick figure on the door? I hope you see the logic in my words. The only potential downside is the faces you may encounter on the way out. That could be awkward.

Furthermore, I swallow my gum. Often. Usually this is for one of the following reasons:

A. I am riding in an enclosed vehicle with other people, I have no scrap paper on hand, and I am too sheepish to crack the window and toss the offending wad out onto the wayside. This sheepishness is heightened if I am sitting in the backseat, where any change in cabin pressure causes a thundering wind tunnel effect on the whole car. No good.

B. I am pre-occupied with what I am doing (as I am currently) and I have no convenient, on-hand way of trashing the gum. So I swallow it. (Like I just did.)

That’s enough confessions for one day.

In other news, I am currently cooking and writing alternately, a pastime I used to employ often. It tends to make for frequent subject changes, between stirs and taste tests, or at least somewhat disjointed trains of thought. In addition to this, I just caught a towel on fire. I should probably try and stick to one task at a time.

What else is to be said?

It is so nice to write meanderingly again. I have not created space for this kind of directionless musing in what feels like a very long time. My to-do list over this Christmas break has been what might be called a “fun list,” because it doesn’t quite qualify as a collection of assignments or things that need to be done. Currently, it consists of “paint, crochet, knit, write a letter, write a story, ride a bike.” And maybe “clean the house a little bit.” However, I find that with this kind of space comes a greater depth of thought that fills my world quite sufficiently. Instead of cruising through days spent sleeping too late and thinking too little, I find myself wanting to wake up earlier and spending my time delving into the quandaries and conundrums of the human condition. Is this normal? What kind of college student spends her winter break re-examining her life? I guess this kind does. I wonder if I am alone.
I have just been curious about something. Truly, I have been curious about many things. But one thing in particular is this: are you happy? Is anyone? Does anyone wake up with anticipation for the day ahead of them? Does anyone delight in their existence? Are we satisfied? Are we content?

I ask because I think that this matters. I think we are meant to have fullness in our souls. Augustine, who wrote deeply of his God and of his own soul, wrote “…for you have made us for yourself, and our heart is restless until it rests in you.”

That is certainly something to think about.

I think I am done for now. Except for one beautiful thing.

I found a beautiful song. It is a French children’s song entitled, “A la Claire Fontaine,” the version is by Laure Shang, and it is wonderful. I heard it months ago, but I just now got around to figuring out what it is called and the artist’s name. I don’t speak French at all, but I did look up the lyrics, here is a little taste,

Sing, nightingale, sing,
Your heart is so happy.
Your heart feels like laughing,
Mine feels like weeping.

and the refrain to the poet’s beloved,

So long I’ve been loving you,
I will never forget you.

Listen to it, and love it.

Peaches & Dreams.

I feel sugary in my soul. Thank you, peaches.

Thought 1: I think that if there could be an internal landscape to my head and heart today, It would look like a storm coming in off the coast of Maine. Quiet, unsettled, crisp, and willing to welcome in any who would brave the storm. There are little pockets of sadness in my heart today, stemming from different places of my life that are less-than-happy. There aren’t many of them, and it isn’t an overwhelming sadness. It’s a calm, sighing sadness that takes up residence so softly that I am not even tempted to ask it to leave. Not yet. It will find the wind and and float away on its own, I think, if given a little bit of time.

Thought 2: I have been so full of words in these last few weeks. Daily, I am writing journal entries, letters, blogs, notes on bulletins, anything that involves me, a thought, and somewhere to put it. Mainly, I’ve been journaling. I wrote. A long message to my best friend Sam, who is in Pennsylvania, and a page of considerings in my journal. It’s a process of processing. It is the unraveling of my tightly-wound mind and heart, so that I may more easily access myself without the barrier of everything I’m thinking about blocking my view.

Thought 3: Along with words, I have been full of questions. The impulse to ask would just spring up from the well of musings in my mind and travel through my mouth into the open air, almost without any conscious approval on my part. In addition to this, I found so many more questions inside myself, rushing to the front of my mind in the sweet silences between conversations. God, and his hands in my life, fill my heart with questions to wrestle with. Not to wrestle down, or to silence, but to fight with, and for, and about.

Thought 4: I feel like making lists.

Things I Am Not A Big Fan Of:

I. Mosquito Bites The Size of A Small Galaxy. Especially during winter. I thought mosquitoes hibernated during the winter.

II. That Sugary-Soul Feeling. Usually, it’s enough to steer me away from any great amount of sugar for the next couple of days. Le yuk.

III. When Drinking Glasses Sweat. I mean, honestly. What do they have to be nervous about? Maybe it’s the perpetual state of absolute openness. Or the all-the-time kissing people, thing. Whatever. It’s annoying, and it makes weird stains on wooden tables.

IV. Still Not Being Out Of School. I don’t even want to talk about it.

And, so we can all smile a little lighter, some happiness.

Things I Like, Absolutely:

A. Stargazing on Fridays. It’s worth the bugs.

B. Warm Pavement and Cold Rain. Possibly one of my favorite feelings ever. If it’s raining hard enough, you can’t even see through the mist of the drops bouncing back off of the ground.

C. Going to Bed Tired. I know now that the reason sleeping used to be harder was because when I said, “I’m not tired!” I meant it. Now that I can wait until sleep sounds like a good idea, my body is much more understanding, usually.

That is all.

See you soon.

Peace in the middle east.
See you ‘rrround.

cleanliness is next to blogliness.

I have spent the last hour or more scouring the deep recesses of my room. I set out to conquer the little dust-and-other-stuff-colonies that breed behind the picture frames, trophies, and underneath the stacks and stacks of books, and I have been successful in my pursuits. The desk is blindingly resplendent in its spotless glory. I am so proud.
There are, however, observations I have made regarding the ins and outs of room-conquering. The little quirks and the overwhelming processes were, in true Dani’s-mental-narrator fashion, being turned over and over in my head while I scoured. So, out of my faithful love for whoever may be reading this, I shall explore some of my mind murmurings.

First, I have come to be acutely aware of how much I want to make my family disappear entirely when I am in deep, indomitable pursuit of cleanliness. I’ll be scrubbing and purging and scourging the dust colonies when some unsuspecting relation of mine will enter the room and go rummaging through the clothes drawers I have neatly folded and put in their proper place. What nerve. Depending on which member of the family it is, and what they’re rummaging for, sometimes a quick, fiery glance can ward them off. More often than this, however, they either do not notice or choose to ignore the fact that I’m practically growling, trying to protect the cleanliness of the room. It is a maddening process. I have, however, learned that if I try and employ their services while they’re close by, they will usually be less quick to come rummaging again.

Moving on.

Maybe just one more room-cleaning thought, and then something new.

Lastly,
Nickel Creek’s (not Nickelback!) Why Should the Fire Die? is top-notch room cleaning soundtrack material. One of my favorite lyrics on the whole CD:
You’re shining still, behind the clouds,
saying I won’t figure you out.
That might be true, but let me try,
and try, and try, for the rest of my life.

I could write a blog on that alone, friends. Needless to say, harmonizing with words like those makes defeating dust bunnies all the merrier, and more musical.

Okay. Enough with that.

Things I Have Decided That I Like:

1. Heartbeat Hugs- Although I often detest hugs, this is the exception. It also depends on who the hugger is, but that is a different story. Anyways, being able to hear someone’s heart beating when you’re hugging them is possibly one of the warmest experiences known to mankind. It falls into the same category as the feeling you get when you walk in from playing in the snow and there’s a fire waiting to rejuvenate your limbs. I seriously recommend this kind of embracing. It beats the Baptist Side-Hug by about eighty-nine gold stars.

2. Joshua Radin’s Music- He’s indie acoustic, with a sweet-soft sounding vocal. Look him up next time you want to drive alone with the windows down on a beautiful day. Or just, whenever.

3. The Color of my Walls- I used to hate my whole room being painted a light-pee color (minus the spot over that chair. oops.), and I’ve been gradually warming up to it. I was strongly averted to this the first day or so, but I think we’re becoming better friends. I know thing of it to be like a honey-golden color. Very light. Very clean. Most acceptable.

And that’s about all I got.
Actually, for some reason, I could probably keep going. Perhaps there are years of unblogged paragraphs inside of me, pent up from all the time spent pretending like myspace was a reasonable writing outlet.

Thank you to those who left comments.
You make me want to keep writing.
:)

[disclaimers: I love my family. Also, I sometimes exaggerate.]

Dani's one and only emo blog.

Sad today.
Whats on my mind? 'Why Does It Always Rain On Me' is playing softly and sadly through my speakers and filling my mind with memories past. I read Cailyn's blog and it made me feel like writing about this today.
I look back through pictures that I have recently discovered on my brother's laptop. I notice how i have grown taller (score!) and how long my hair has gotten. I can vividly remember how i felt at those moments. So much as changed.

The pictures of my last dance recital really choke me up. The actual photographs aren't really what matter. It’s the moment in time that is represented in them. They aren't sad pictures at all. In fact, I think I look best when I'm on stage. But I see something else. I remember the shadow that would cling to me for all too long. Many of you know the story. When my I developed chondromalacia in my knees, my emotional and physical health spiraled dizzyingly downward. Days of sadness turned into months of unrest; I was forced to stop the one thing that defined me. I gained tons of weight because of the shredding feeling in my kneecaps whenever i moved. All the passion in the world seemed to leave my heart. The pain in my body turned into a pain in my heart. Everything I loved was ripped away and I didn't understand why. I was sad, low on hope, and angry at so many things. My inner world was at war.

Now, looking back into my own sad face from about a year later, the feeling is bittersweet. Because, although I can feel the ache of what was happening then, now, and what will continue for the rest of my life, there is a stronger sense of something triumphant and new. I walked through the shadow, but I did not set up camp there. Life now is so vivid and bright and possible, open ended and beautiful like empty, blank pages. Time still urges us forward. And although my knees are in constant pain and I still can't dance. I find life and love in new things. Such as teaching children what i loved most and seeing the joy in their faces, just as my teacher had seen it in mine.
I am not handicapped, I am not held back, I am free and I have risen and my gusto is back to stay :D. No one can take who I am away from me.

yo.

So, blogging. awesome.
I think starting a blog will help me realize how lame my life is. So far, is working.

Anyways, Hopefully this won't be totally stupid. I can generally tell when I'm going to blog because I'll narrarate my life in really lame, sort-of-funny-but-not-really-ways. I'm actually quite hilarious in my own mind... :). Especially while making uncalled wise cracks about the small commodities of my daily life. It’s as if I'm hosting a second-rate comedy club in my head. Maybe this will satisfy my urge to be a stand up comedian. Then we can do away with that dream...

“Look. Just go write it all down, already. And get off the stage.”

So, at the advice of my manager, I do. (I am.)

On Friday, some of the newspaper staff and I went to UGA for this conference thing. I was so nervous I almost convinced my self not to go. My uncanny aversion to getting lost in big places was the devil on my shoulder saying that i would randomly fall down a well at the campus and never bee seen or heard again. But the angel on my right shoulder told me that i wouldn't fall down wells and could possibly have a freakin' awesome time. Of course, the angel was right.

I even found a new friend! (extremely rare for me...). Finally, someone who shares my love of coffee and greeting cards. Jessie and i spent about an hour looking at every single greeting card in University of Georgia's book store. Two of the most memorable include a card that said something along the lines of, "When I say we should go on a long walk, you know I mean going to sit down and get coffee... possibly muffins" and " If you got bit by a snake I wouldn't suck the venom out of the bite, but if you spilled coffee on your off-white sweater, I would suck the coffee out." Notice how both include coffee :D

The day was filled with a spectrum of useful classes, hooray for the music reviewing and editorials class,to rather pointless classes *cough* creative arts *cough*, and a really informative asian tour guide. Definitely on my top field trips ever!

Almost anything is good with peach-lemon tea.

What else shall I say?

My dog is sitting by my feet in earnest pursuit of my attentions. Ew, and now licking.
Do not be fooled. He wants food more than my love, I think.

Hm. Things I Have Decided That I Do Not Love:

1) Wearing band-aids on my fingers. This obstructs nearly every function of comfortable everyday life. Cooking, typing, hand-washing, and swimming are all most uncomfortable. Texting is downright laborious.

2) Cold, dry weather- The weather is turning cold early this year and i wish it would stay warm so I could hold on to the last thing that reminds me of Evan.

3) Oversleeping. I should get up earlier.

4) The perspiring of my extremities. Sweaty hands are the worst.

5) When kids pee in the pool- God, help these children. I will pray for them.

Anyway, I could probably keep going. But I want you to keep coming back for more reading. So I’ll stop now.