Whats on my mind? 'Why Does It Always Rain On Me' is playing softly and sadly through my speakers and filling my mind with memories past. I read Cailyn's blog and it made me feel like writing about this today.
I look back through pictures that I have recently discovered on my brother's laptop. I notice how i have grown taller (score!) and how long my hair has gotten. I can vividly remember how i felt at those moments. So much as changed.
The pictures of my last dance recital really choke me up. The actual photographs aren't really what matter. It’s the moment in time that is represented in them. They aren't sad pictures at all. In fact, I think I look best when I'm on stage. But I see something else. I remember the shadow that would cling to me for all too long. Many of you know the story. When my I developed chondromalacia in my knees, my emotional and physical health spiraled dizzyingly downward. Days of sadness turned into months of unrest; I was forced to stop the one thing that defined me. I gained tons of weight because of the shredding feeling in my kneecaps whenever i moved. All the passion in the world seemed to leave my heart. The pain in my body turned into a pain in my heart. Everything I loved was ripped away and I didn't understand why. I was sad, low on hope, and angry at so many things. My inner world was at war.
Now, looking back into my own sad face from about a year later, the feeling is bittersweet. Because, although I can feel the ache of what was happening then, now, and what will continue for the rest of my life, there is a stronger sense of something triumphant and new. I walked through the shadow, but I did not set up camp there. Life now is so vivid and bright and possible, open ended and beautiful like empty, blank pages. Time still urges us forward. And although my knees are in constant pain and I still can't dance. I find life and love in new things. Such as teaching children what i loved most and seeing the joy in their faces, just as my teacher had seen it in mine.
I am not handicapped, I am not held back, I am free and I have risen and my gusto is back to stay :D. No one can take who I am away from me.
2 comments:
"I walked through the shadow, but I did not set up camp there. Life now is so vivid and bright and possible, open ended and beautiful like empty, blank pages. Time still urges us forward."
Dani, you encourage me. I'm hoping that one day, when the dust of everything that has happened in the past year has settled, I'll be able to say these words too, and mean them. You're so awesome.
dani, you happen to be one of the strongest and most beautiful people i know. you're so full of hope, and i absolutely adore that. not to mention you look breath taking in that picture. i love you so much.
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